Restoration
I was listening to Dr. Sharon Nesbit and thinking about her words as she spoke of Restoration. She said so much like her reference to Numbers 13:33 - we were grasshoppers in our own mind. That hit me. I need to continue to work on conquering myself.
Before my life hit, I was incredibly ambitious, full of life and willing and in position to be successful. There were no other options for me. My dream was to be saved, have a great family and a successful career. It was too early to think about ministry. I hadn't been called.
Before I could get my life started it began: Attacked at my own home by someone who broke in. Years later, my son was killed by my ex-husband-his father, the next relationship was verbally abusive. I don't think he spoke much to me unless he was yelling. The next relationship was with a spoiled man, who needed a sugar mama. I couldn't do that long. The next relationship was with a the meanest person I have ever met in my life. He was emotionally, financially and mentally abusive. He put me in the bed, after a month I had been still enough to realize that this was not right and I got up and fought!!!! Then I gave up. All I wanted was a family of my own. (My current husband is NOT apart of this conversation.)
After all of that I could barely step out of my door but when I did I had my characteristically big smile but finally that began to wain. I was fortunate because for many of those years I had music. I was allowed to plan it and teach it and arrange it. It was heaven on earth for me! God's music saved my life in many respects. It was the only time with the exception of caring for my daughter that I was at real peace. Then even music was taken and now my child constantly reminds me that she is grown.
It was overwhelming to have tried and tried to do right only to be hurt over and over. My niceness was taken for weakness but fortunately God gave me a "FIGHT for me" mechanism. My hurt didn't just come from men in my life. It came from friends and family too. Most people never knew that I was hurt or never understood the level of how much I hurt if they found out. I've developed the ability to quietly forgive. I don't even always need an apology. And guess what??? You can forget if you really forgive.
So for at least 15 years I merely existed hurt, afraid and defeated. Hoping and praying for an end...be it a natural end or some kind of reprieve through God sending someone in my life to HELP ME!!! I hadn't seen myself in so long that I wondered how I would look... had I aged... Did I even still exist?
A sustainer for me has always been the Word of God.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Joel 2:24-26(KJV)
And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the vats shall overflow with wine and oil. And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.
AND FINALLY,
Psalm 119:11
Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.
Comments
Post a Comment